Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Just for the heck of it, I decided to read the 7 steps of grief. Very
interesting and very different from what I have experienced. One comment
from below is 100%, “Outsiders do not understand”. Then again, how could
they. It is said the only thing worse than the loss of a close spouse is
the loss of a child. It is also said the loss of a loving devoted spouse
is a close 2nd. Regardless, here is how I have experienced the 7 steps.
1. SHOCK & DENIAL: Given my logical mind set and Karen’s long fight with
cancer, I never experienced this. Possibly also because I held her hand
as she passed away.
2. PAIN & GUILT:
Over the first few weeks, I definitely experienced the suffering of
unbelievable pain. I was surprised at the level of excruciating and
almost unbearable physical as well as emotional pain. I do not think I
experienced guilt. However I did think about things we never got done
together and wish we could had. IE: trips to Ireland and Bermuda. But I
am comfortable in the wonderful life we lead and the many trips we
traveled together.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING:
Today I find myself here. I am definitely one pissed off dude. I am not
a man of faith or believe in a god. So I have no one to bargain with or
scream at. But it does piss me off someone so wonderful suffered for so
long and was taken from me.
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS:
Not fully there yet. I do experience loneliness on a daily basis. How
could I not given there is no one in my life. There is no one to say
good morning to. No one to say how was your day. No one to plan
vacations, days, or life with. I definitely reflect on the past 20
years. What I did right, what I did wrong, and what I will do
differently in the future.
As for depression, I’m not there and don’t plan to go there. Possibly
because I know this can happen. I have been keeping myself very busy
with friends. I am very relieved to have such wonderful and supportive
friends. Thanks all.
5. THE UPWARD TURN:
Not there yet.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH:
I think I’ve already done this one. Given I have no children, siblings,
or parents, I find it necessary to occupy my time with something.
Otherwise my mind is filled with thoughts of Karen, etc. So I have been
working through the to do list including financials, etc.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE:
In many ways I find myself here. I ponder how I am going to live the
rest of my life. I know I do not want to go through life alone. I know I
will eventually want to fill my life with another loving wife. I am
pondering the qualities and characteristics I will search for in future
prospective spouse. But I am also careful not to jump the gun and move
to quickly. I will give myself a few months to outline my game plan. But
I will not waste years of my life in solitude wasting away my life in
grief. It is not what I want or what Karen told me she wanted for me. We
both told each other to move on and not waste our lives. As we know, we
have very limited time on earth.
